Kind of I just want to beat the shit out of something.

My home life is unsatisfactory.

AND I FUCKING WANT TO BE FUCKING DOING SOMETHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING I EVER DO RIGHT NOW FUCKING SUCKS AND I'D RATHER BE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF MYSELF THAN SITTING AROUND DOING FUCK NOTHING BECAUSE I FUCKING HAVE NOTHING TO DO.

I would rather be bleeding or burning myself or throwing my head through a wall or crashing my bike or crashing in a car or exploding or SOMETHING than all of the pointless shit I'm doing right now.

and I'm about 99% sure that half of the people (no, MORE THAN half te people) I talk to on a daily basis are legitimately bothered by me and I really don't know why I give a fuck about most people. Seriously, I fucking hate everything. And everyone. And being dead would be so fucking easy right now.

The only reason I'm not killing myself is because of the people I know it would upset.

But that doesn't make me want to live. That just makes me want to make those people happy by living. I just want to die. I don't want to be here. Nothing I ever do will amount to anything and even if it does, what the fuck does it matter? I'm going to die anyway.

It doesn't matter how much I like doing certain things because we're all going to end up dead anyway.

I just wish I was dead. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing anything. Everything sucks. What's the point?

I want to kill myself.

I wasn't freaked about flying this morning because I wanted the plane to crash. It didn't.

In case anybody cares, I'm either going to kill myself or move by the end of February.
And if I don't I'm just going to be miserable until I do either one of those things.

I have no friends here.
There's nobody I like here except for one person who's one of the most selfish people I've ever met.
Half of my family makes me miserable.
Most of the time I just have a drink and put myself to sleep at night.
I don't even think I have any friends at all.
Nobody fucking cares as much as I do.
And I don't blame them.

I don't want to be alive anymore. It's official.

I think the hardest part of all of this is knowing that I could be up there in a heartbeat if I didn't fucking have work.

Why the fuck is work holding me back? I should be up there, not stuck down here doing nothing important.

I feel like fucking shit about it but I don't want to post anywhere that anyone's going to look at any time soon. There's enough going on already without me whining about everything.

Idk. I just. I hate this shit. I feel useless.

Nobody reads this thing, right?

Right.

I wish I was dead and had the courage to kill myself because the way my life is right now, I'm never going to be anything more than a lonely, ugly piece of shit.

Ali and her mom are moving to Florida as soon as possible.

I don't really know what to think.

Which, btw, we're never going to do AGAIN (at least not in that theater) because it was hot and ridiculous. But we pulled it off and we were AWESOME and everybody LOVED it. One of our best performances ever. I'm not gonna write a whole journal about it 'cause I could go on and on and on about it all.

But here are some lovely pictures of me and some other people from the show. ^^

( So pop a cork, and give a fork... )

And that is it! :D